Category: Dating and Relationships
Hi all,
OK I'm not experiencing this situation at the moment, am just curious about what you all think of my following scenarios. (I have been in situations of sorts in the past and since I'm a very jealous person, I often have to watch how I interpret things) but, here's being hypothetical:
Scenario 1.
Your best (or close) friend has just broken up from their partner. You've had a crush on this friend's ex-partner for a while. Would you act on your feelings? Main question is: If so, How long would you wait before you do something about it? Because your friend has broken up with him/her, do you still think about them in all of this?
Scenario 2.
Both you and your best (or close) friend like the same guy/girl. Would you be the type to not think of your friend at all and try and go for it with your crush? Or would you be likely to see how things pan out with them and your friend?
OK guess what I'm asking is, what's more important to you? The potential relationship with crush or friend?
I know these can be case by case situations but guess this is a question about values. course no answer is the right or wrong answer. It's how you view this part of life.
Cheers!
As for scenario 1, I'm not sure if I would act on it; if I did I'd have to be absolutely sure that my friend and them weren't going to get back together. I'd probably also ask my friend at least what they thought of it. Friendship is very important to me, and especially if they're my best friend, those are kind of hard to replace. :)
As for scenario #2 I've been in that one multiple times, and I usually have stepped back; I have sometimes flirted a little, trying to let the person in question at least get the idea that I'm interested, but I'm also not the type to actively sabotage my friend's chances. As I mentioned, friendship is very important to me, and what will happen will happen. Hope that answered the question well enough
A good friend is forever, a crush may not even last a day. The way I see it it's an obvious answer. You don't go for your friend's "ex" except either with the friend's explicit permission or you don't care enough about the friendship to respect it. I think dating a friend's ex is simply a very bad idea 99% of the time. And if you really really liked that person you should wait at lesat a few months even with the friend's explicitpermission. That's just my view obviously and there's no right or wrong as stated above.
If you and your friend like the same person and he/she hasn't indicated a preference it's fair game I think. The one he/she wants to be with could be you so acting aloof and not showing interest just because of your friend does not seem fair. A friendship can survive a bit of a competition if it's played fair. If that person and your friend seem to be building something and I really thought things were about to click then I'd back off and give the friend a chance to see what happens.
cheers
-B
I suppose it's a difficult one. It's difficult to give an answer unless it happened in reality.
For senario 1 i would only go out with my friend's ex if i knew my friend moved on such as he has got a new girlfriend and even then i wouldn't be %100 sure and i would have to ask him but if he was still single i would never do it. For senario2 i would discuss it with my friend and we would have to agree what to do.
A friend, and a best friend are very mutch different I think. If it was a casual friend, and I really liked the person then I'd go for it. But a best friend, no. I'd never do that. Best friends are hard to replace, not worth fighting with them over someone that you both like.
thanks for your great answers guys. yep I tend to agree Princess_rissa; Not worth loosing your best friend over. though I'm not usually into revenge; if a friend has the nerve to do it to me (and I found myself on the upper hand later) I wouldn't feel as guilty cos they did it to me!
As said it is a hard situation though.
Oh and to anyone this has actually happened too, I am really sorry to hear, and people can really suck I know! They get so caught up in it all in the end, that sometimes friendship just doesn't matter! Love can always rule!
Oh god, if a person that I considered a friend did that to me, I wouldn't worry about doing it to them. Because if they were a real friend they wouldn't even think about doing that to me.
true true Rissa! :)
I think in scenario one, it all depends on why there was a break-up. I've dated my friends' exes. Granted, I'm not with them anymore, so there obviously were issues, but yeah...um, he wasn't like that in the previous relationship. Anyway, I think it all dependson the reasons why the broke up, and if the friend is okay with it...and it depends on how close I am to the friend. Scenario two...depends on who likes the guy more, and if the guy could be interested in one of us. Usually I wouldn't push the issue. *shrug* That's just me.
I like to think that, and I hope that my communication is so good with my best friends that if either of these scenarios were to become an issue they would be able to talk openly with me regarding them. The second scenario has occured for me many times. In a few instances I competed with a friend, in others I left him alone because my best friend really felt deeply for him. In either case we communicated extensively and completely openly about the situation and I think that kept our relationship very healthy and honest.
Hmmmm, interesting scenario...
I personally have just come out of this situation, and let me tell you, the person I am with now, I am very very happy to be with, but one of my friends was not very happy with me, even though this said person said they had moved on. They even appeared to do so by saying how wonderful their partner was, but when they found out I was going out with this person, they thought I didn't care for them. I guess my view on the matter is this, if you really like someone and you know you have liked them for a long long time, you find out they are singl and have an interest in you, would you just back away because your x went out with them, and they didn't work? Because your friend moved on to another, do you really think it's still wrong to like 'em. I dunno... Just my thoughts on the matter.
It all depends to you what's more important. Your friendship, or a relationship with your friends ex. I myself have been known to be gelous of people, but I try to control it, and sort it out with the person involved. If your friendship with your friend is more important to you than love with this ex, then don't even go down that path. However, if you like to take risks, then that's your decition, that only you can make, cause you'll be the one that has to live with it.
If your friend told you that they had moved on, that they were happy with who they were currently with and then got upset when you went out with their ex, then they are at falt. If they couldn't be honest enough with you to tell you that they were having trouble moving on, that they still felt a great deal for their ex then they will just have to suffer the consiquinces. Honesty is so very important in a friendship. If it isn't there than misunderstandings and petty problems will always threaten the friendship.
I'd have to agree with Miah on this one. Also lonestar.
Just on a general note, if you were to question how long someone should wait before approaching someone who has just broken up, whether it was with a friend or not, I might say two or three weeks, a month at most.
If epistemologically we share values and see ethics the same, and it's love in it's truest form, Yes, I would go for my friends ex-boyfriend right away without hesitation. If my friend has a problem with that, it's not my problem, it's hers so it shouldn't matter to me.
The second scenario requires some specific details and quite a few logical deductions. Now, the friend and I would have to sit down to figure out who shares the most interests with him, and who would he be happier with and who can be happier while with him.